This is Discworld.
Tonight we begin our adventures in the largest and most irrepressibly foul-smelling city on all the Disc, Ankh-Morpork...
I ran this one-shot original adventure of Modiphius' official Discworld: Adventures in Ankh-Morpork RPG around this same time last year. I am a huge fan of Terry Pratchett and his irreverent and hilarious setting so I was really excited to give it a try.
I didn't grok the rules at first, mainly because there hardly are any. I was also disappointed they didn't use a variant of their house 2D20 system. After watching an Actual Play video on YouTube and now having run it myself, I've changed my initially negative opinion about the game to.actually liking it quite a lot. As an RPG, it's heavy on the Roleplay and very light on the Game. My players and I found it tons of fun but it definitely doesn't work or feel like your typical, classic tabletop roleplaying game. Your mileage may vary.
Here's a recap:
Barking Alien's
Halloween One-Shots I Have Known
DISCWORLD: Adventures in Ankh-Morpork
ALL SOULS THIEVE
or 'How to Ghost a Murder'
Ankh-Morpork, 'The Big Wahoonie',
The Dung and Soot Covered Jewel of Discworld
“It is a dark and stormy night in the city of Ankh-Morpork. A chill wind blows Widdershins and Rimward. We are on the Eve of Soul Cake Tuesday*, in the Eighth Year of the Century of the Anchovy.
On this night there has been…a Murder! {A Flash of Lightning and Boom of Thunder} Almost. Not quite. Nearly but not for lack trying.
As they were walking across Water Bridge, a couple - one Mister Ovazellus Git and his ladyfriend Rotunda Punt - spotted something peculiar in the water below. It turned out to be none other than Professor Perenneil Dol, a long-sitting Research Magician of the Unseen University.
Ovazellus Git and Rotunda Punt
Professor Dol had clearly received a blow to the head. In addition, he was covered in some sort of thick, wax-like resin. Finally, the man was dumped into the River Ankh. Any one of these situations would kill a man were he not already dead. Perenneil Dol has that particular status. He is among the ‘living challenged’, having become Undead approximately 8 years ago. (We don’t like to use the ‘Z’ word. Remember, Undead Yes, Unperson No.).
Nonetheless, an attempt at murder is still a crime even if the killing doesn’t 'take'. Thankfully, three members of the Night Watch are on the scene to investigate. I shall have more information for you as the story develops.
I have been your Local Crier, Gabby Livestream. If you enjoyed what I do, please contact the Guild of Town Criers, give me a like and subscribe to our service so I may continue to bring you the latest news and other content.
I am now off to the next street so I can say this all over again.”
Gabby Livestream, Town Crier of the Wizard's Quarter
When word of the incident reached Pseudopolis Yard, Commander Vines sent three officers of The Watch (the Player Characters) specifically chosen for this case because of their unique talents and preference for working the night shift:
Constables Milo Bathory, Beaux Batch IV, and Herman Shephard
Constable Beaux Batch IV (Bo Batch 4 - said Four, not 'the Fourth')
Beaux Batch IV is what many call a 'Well-Made Man' (think of Frankenstein's Monster). He was built to be the perfectly constructed consort of a female mad scientist of considerable wealth, intellect, and lack of real Human empathy. Such a stickler was she for perfection in every aspect of her life that whenever one of her beaux made a 'terrible mistake', she would discard them and make a new one. Batch IV made the grave error of leaving the outhouse seat lid up. Not only did she toss him on the pile of refruse body parts in a snap, but he was aware Batch V was already in the works. To add insult to injury the new one had blonde hair. How humiliating.
Normally when disposed of these Well-Made Men receive an electrical overload that 'shorts them out'. For some reason, Batch IV was still conscious and as such the Mistress' Igors felt bad for him. They faked ridding the estate of his body while Batch IV escaped. Not long after he joined up with the CIty Watch, hoping to make more out of his 'life' than one narcissitic sociopath intended.
Beaux is played as the Rookie in the group, with his origin having occurred not that long ago. He is polite, unusually complimentary (by design), tall, and quite muscular. He has a single, large screw on the side of his head that replaces the small, well concealed bolts his maker installed. To be rude, none complimentary, or the like he twists the screw; the pain countering his 'programming'. One turn to not smile as he greets someone. Three or four turns to use a swear word.
Finally, once especially odd personality quirk of the character was his distrust of women, generally assuming they are all like his creator. If the players and I didn't know each other so well it might have gotten awkward or uncomfortable but the Beaux's player did it in moderation and in the end explained his attitude was based on his limited experience. The others convinced him to be open-minded and see that in Ankh-Morpork any and all people regardless of gender, species, creed, or religion can be complete and thorough rotters.
On a side note, much of the humor with Batch revolved around his 'Frankenstein' form and how the best parts of a number of people went into his design. In addition to his Niche Trait of 'The Strength of 9.5 Men!', Beaux has a Quirk Trait called 'Not Myself Today'. To use it, I as the GM would ask, "Well...who are you then?" The player would than reference this list of the organs and such used to make him.
Tongue of a poet
Left hand of a murderer/pianist (strangler)
Right hand of a cobbler
Feet of a dancer
Arms of a woodsman
Ears of a psychologist
Eyes of an artist and a dreamer
Chest of a boatman
Abs of a hero
Nose of a chef
Teeth of a dentist
Brilliant. Just brilliant.
Constable Herman Shephard
Properly pronounced 'Helman Shaeferd', his family having dropped the connecting 'Von' upon moving to Ankh-Morpork in his youth, this ten year veteran of the Watch is descended from Uberwald nobility. A cultured man of considerable athletic fortitude and mental discipline, Shephard comes from a long line of periodically violent furries. Sorry, I mean Werewolves.
Constable Shephard is proud of his heritage, his gifts and curse, his role as a member of the Watch, and of course his immaculate haircut. If he has any weakness it's that his blueblood upbringing makes him more than a bit classest. While Herman judges individuals by their actions, he sees 'the poor' as riff raff of lesser breeding and caliber. Can his partners change his mind?
No, not really.
Constable Milo Bathory
As a Rookie way back in the early days of the Watch, a young Constable Bathory was able to capture a Vampire Crime Lord and cement himself as kind of a legend. Unfortunately, a Vampire himself, Milo didn't turn out to be the wunderkind everyone had hoped for, himself included. After so many years on the force Milo has become a jaded, apathetic slacker.
Milo's outlook has changed recently as he's been paired up with Constable Shephard, who Bathory delights in teasing and if at at possible upstaging. It's possible Milo is playing into the old rivalry between Vampires and Werewolves but more likely it's because Milo wants to see the aristocrat taken down a peg.
When Beaux Batch IV is assigned to assist Bathory and Shephard on this case, Beaux knows Milo only by his famous capture and hopes to learn everything he can from this master of deduction and cunning. A slacker to his core, Milo is happy to play along while letting Batch do all the hard policework.
So how'd it go?
Summary: The Night Watch members started things off like the protagonists of any good cop show: looking for clues, interviewing witnesses, and bantering. They questioned the couple who found the 'body' with a Good Cop (Shephard), Polite Cop (Batch), Indifferent Cop (Bathory) approach. Constable Batch immediately distrusts Miss Punt as she is a woman and his experience with women hasn't been particularly positive. His partners notice this and make a mental note to address it with Batch later.
Herman Shephard turns to the resin encased Professor Perenneil Dol. Since the Professor was unliving, he was conscious inside the thick, semi-translucent wax material. Shephard was able to claw through it, eventually breaking off sizable chunks. Dol was rather annoyed as you can imagine. He grumbled his resentment, not even thanking the Constable and demanding to be returned to the Unseen University. Shephard responds by putting on noble airs and being extremely deferential to the Professor. Shephard offers to escort Perenneil back to the university with his 'Assistants' (Bathory and Batch) in tow. This won the Copper some points with the monotone and grouchy Dol, affording the group the opportunity to investigate the Professor's room and laboratory at the Wizard's College.
The PCs, along with Professor Dol, travel to the Unseen University and make the acquaintence of one Ponder Stibbons, Reader of Invisible Writings and Head of the Department of Inadvisably Applied Magic - which just so happens to be the department Perenneil Dol is attached to. Stiddons is surprised to see the Professor outside the Unseen University tower (A reoccurring joke throughout the session. Every Wizard who learns of the situation is suprised Dol left the building). Discussions paint a picture that adds a lot more details to the situation.
Ponder Stibbons, who possesses the rare Wizard trait
of actually knowing what the hell he's doing.
For many years Perenneil Dol and his friend/rival Wizard, one Gregorie Stemwinder, worked together on a project called 'The Juxtapositioner' (sometimes the Juxtaposer). This magical contraption was designed to take two things or people of a similar type and switch and/or enhance the aspects that make them different. Eight years ago during a test of the device there was a terrible accident; Stemwinder was killed and Dol became undead. Since then, Dol rarely leaves his laboratory except to go to his room and rarely leaves his room except to go to the lab.
Professor Perenneil Dol and Professor Gregorie Stemwinder
Two Wizard who couldn't be more different.
At this point we begin one of the best 'bits' in the adventure; The slacker vampire, Constable Milo, periodically looks at books on bookcases or asks innocuous questions but otherwise passes the time doing very little as his partners speak with the Wizards or look for physical evidence. Constable Beux sees this and comes to believe that 'the legendary' Constable Milo has such keen deductive reason and extensive experience that he's likely already cracked the case or is very close. A typical interaction would go like this:
Constable Milo: *Opens a closet. Looks around and let's out a, 'Hmm.*
Constable Beux: Have you found something, Constable Milo? *Looks into the closet himself*
Milo: *Nodding vaguely* "Perhaps. Tell me Rookie, what do you see?"
Beux: "It seems poorly organized in here. There's also a stain on the ground. A stain that *sniff, sniff* smells like the lacquer-like wax that coated Master Dol. *Looks up to a high shelf the shorter Milo could not have seen* There's a barrel here! It has the same scent. Do you think Dol did it to himself?"
Milo: *Rolls his eyes, shakes his head, and chuckles.* Do you?
Beux: *Takes a moment to think* "No of course not! He had this wax, this resin but someone hiding in the closet poured it on him after knocking him out. That means there might be prints or other clues on the barrel or...or in the wax! Detective Milo, you're a genius. I wish I had your instincts!*
Milo: *Yawns and nods* "Someday kid. Someday."
The crime itself was quite convoluted but also kind of brilliant. Dol had been attacked by a Ghost, and not just any ghost but the spectre of his old labmate, Gregorie Stemwinder!
The 'Colorful Ghost' of Gregorie Stemwinder
Their poorly thought out magical contraption, the Juxtaposer, took the Wizard afraid of aging and death and rendered him immortal by making him Undead. It took the Wizard full of life and cheer and killed him, then brought him back as an unhappy ghost. It took many years for Stemwinder's spirit to be strong enough to move the barrel of Wand Wax (Ah! That's what it was!) hoping to eventually drop it on Perenneil Dol. Stemwinder knew that would not 'kill' the already unliving Wizard but it would knock him out for the second part of his plan..
As it turned out, Rotunda Punt worked in the kitchens of the Unseen University and would often deliver meals to Perenneil Dol. She also had three brothers; Swirly, Joe, and Rally, who were very dedicated to their sister and not particularly bright. The Ghost of Gregorie Stemwinder made a deal with Rotunda, who in turn enlisted the Brothers Punt** to coat an unconscious Dol in the lacquer wax and dump the body in the River Ankh. Unfortunately, Rotunda and her suitor, Ovazellus Git, but forgot that on Soul Cake Tuesday the streets would be busy even late in the evening. They were spotted by passerbys, so Rotunda and Ovazellus pretended to 'find' Dol in the river, thereby diverting suspicion away from themselves as being the guilty party.
Swirly, Joe, and Rally
The Brothers Punt
Our brilliant...well, certainly dilligent...well, alright, lucky...investigators truly starting putting the pieces in place after speaking with Decker Orwell Podge***, the proprietor of 'Shellac and Shinnola', a store in the Wizarding Quarter or Unreal Estate region of the city. Specializing in resins, waxes, and oils including Ankh-Morpork's most popular Wand Wax, 'Deck' (as Mr. Podge preferred to be addressed) was well aware that both Dol and Stemwinder both used the same brand and the Rotunda Punt has, on more than one occasion, picked up their order. This meant she knew what it was, where to get it, and where is was kept in the Wizards' private quarters.
Master Decker Orwell Podge
We found out near the end that the entire scheme was the work of Stemwinder's Ghost and Rotunda Punt. This, sadly, made Beux Batch IV's original hunch partially correct. Punt was promised wealth by the Ghost, as in life he had a secret account in the Bank of Ankh-Morpork. Furthermore, she came up with the idea of stealing the The Juxtapositioner, which brothers attempted to do. They were thwarted in a very cool battle in the stairwell of one of Unseen University's towers. Our heroic Night Watchmen fought not only the three dim but burly Brother's Punt, but also themselves to some extent. A Full Moon made things beastly for Constable Shephard, things almost got bloody for Constable Milo, and Constable Batch had a moment of not feeling like himself.
The grand finale featured Death - oh yeah, the big guy himself - showing up after a reactivation of the Juxtaposer rendered both the unliving Dol and the ghostly Stemwinder just normal, average, everyday dead.
As it turned out, this was exactly what each of them truly wanted.
The case solved, the Punts arrested, our stalwart policemen enjoyed a good rest and traditional festivities of Soul Cake Tuesday.
Faire thee well,
AD
Barking Alien
*Soul Cake Tuesday is Discworld's answer to both Halloween and Easter, manifesting as a combination of the two.
**The Brothers Punt are obviously a homage to the Three Stooges.
***There are numerous puns and plays on words related to the names of many of the characters but I am particularly fond of Decker Orwell Podge or Deck O. Podge, a reference to Decoupage, an artistic hobby of decorating objects with fabric and/or cut-out pictures from magazines, newspapers, or other sources. The hobby was particularly popular during the 1970s. Deco-Podge and Mod Podge were two brand-name glues that functioned as sealers and finishes for this type of art. My Mom used to make and sell Decoupage at flea markets when I was really young.
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