The Smurfs and The Happy Halloween Hazard

Hello my little Smurfs! A spooky and smurfy Halloween season to you all! 

I've been preparing to run a Halloween-themed Smurfs RPG One-shot for months now and I finally got the chance. I was so smurfing excited to play this scenario and hoped to share all the creepy and kooky Halloween fun with all of you.

It went over well enough with the players but I wasn't all that pleased with how it turned out. My pacing was off, the Players/PCs took a while to interact with each other and with the story, and things just didn't feel smurfy until the very end. The whole thing was just not as good as I'd hoped for given how much thought, energy, and time I put into creating the adventure.

Group #1: Sir Smurfsalot (Questing Smurf), Smurfanise, Smurfevergreen,

Smurfnightshade (who ended up not joining us sadly), and Spelly Smurf.

Luckily, I got to run the adventure a second time with a different group and it worked a lot better, at least for me. The Players/PCs in this second attempt got what I was going for early on and that helped a lot towards making the execution of my intended ideas easier to pull off. 

Group #1 consisted of four of the five players in that usually make up our mid-week gathering.

Group #2 had six players - 6! - which proved tricky towards the end of their session. At the same time, I am traditionally better with more players [up to a point], which might be another factor that enabled me to run the second team's game somewhat more smoothly than the first. 

Group #2: Brash Smurf, Smurfhoneysuckle, Apathy Smurf, Smurfhawthorn, Smurfgrevillea, Conscientious Smurf.

I'll focus my discussion on the scenario itself and refer to the play throughs only to point out what worked, what didn't, and maybe how it could be improved. 

The Smurfs and The Happy Halloween Hazard!

(Alternatively 'The Smurfs and The Hazardous Happy Halloween)

Premise: The Smurfs of Smurf Village and Smurfy Grove are joining together for their annual Halloween Celebration! 

In addition to a smurfy party thrown in both locations featuring costumes, treats, dancing, and decorations, each group of Smurfs have their own unique Halloween tradition. 

The Smurfs of Smurf Village have Spooky Smurf; each year a random Smurf is chosen to be Spooky Smurf, the Spirit of Smurfy Hallow's Eve and serves as the Master of Ceremonies for the holiday festivities. Since they wear the Spooky Smurf mask and costume, no one knows who they are until the end of the night. Remember, everyone else is in disguise as well!

The Smurf Girls of Smurfy Grove have the All Hallow's Tree; an old, naturally hollowed out tree is decorated with cobwebs, jack o' lanterns, candles, and other holiday appropriate faire. The tree's hollow spaces are filled with little gifts, treats, and even some tricks. Everysmurf is welcome to reach in and see what they get.

While the Smurfs are all enjoying the party, strange occurances start happening that threaten to ruin the fun. The weirdness escalates until Spooky Smurf summons five ghosts to spread fear throughout the smurflands!

Who is under the Spooky Smurf mask and why are they doing this? How can they be stopped? Can this horrendous holiday hassle be transformed back into a Happy Halloween? 

Overview: For the most part, I had this idea for a Spooky Season Smurf adventure that might have had too much going on or there were too many expectations on my part. 

I started by introducing each Smurf PC and their costume. I intended to give each Smurf a +1 Stat bonus related to their outfit, treating their disguises as Special Items. Unfortunately, an early action by one of the Players/PCs in Group #1, a humorous bit they wanted to have with...themselves, would've been smurfed by having such a bonus, so I never included the idea in that group's outing. 

Hoping to prevent a similar situation, I let Group #2 know about the +1 Costume bonus from the onset. This made them lean into the gimmick a lot more. 

Their costumes were:

Group #1: Sir Smurfsalot came as a Dragon (one hunting for Sir Smurfsalot - very cute), Smurfanise came as Azrael the Cat (voted 'most frightening' costume), Smurfevergreen came as a Mouse/Rat (a cheaply made, poorly assembled costume she made herself), and Spelly Smurf came as Smurfalf (basically a parody of Gandalf the Gray).

Group #2: Apathy Smurf came as a Ghost (just a burlap sack with two holes for eyes - whatever. Who cares?), Brash Smurf came as a Superhero, Conscientious Smurf as a Clown, Smurfgrevillea as a Witch, Smurfhawthorn as a Fairy Princess, and Smurfhoneysuckle as a Scarecrow.

Hawthorn didn't like her costume, which was made by Grevillea. It was too frilly, too colorful, and she felt silly. Meanwhile, Grevillea was dressed as a Witch because she borrowed Hawthorn's regular clothes...without telling her. This made me laugh and started us off on a great note given these were both brand new characters. 

When I introduced the party itself in the very beginning of the session; bobbing for 'Appleberries', telling scary stories, dancing, and eating lots of sweets, I got very little energy back from Group #1. One fellow got into it but not many of the others did and none with as much investment as that first fellow. This meant very little talking with the other PCs, any NPCs, etc. Definitely some but the mood just wasn't very festive or smurfy and it kind of through off my momentum.

My buddy Nick - who plays Sir Smurfsalot - came up with the idea of Appleberries, basically Smurf scale apples. That's what the Smurfs use to make Candied and Caramel Apples and for the purposes of bobbing. I thought that was pretty clever. 

Group #2 on the other hand acted like the party WAS the adventure! They were having so much fun competing with each other, making up drinks and foods, and drawing items from the All Hallow's Tree, that they were genuinely surprised when the ghosts showed up and Spooky Smurf went all supervillain on them. 

There were hints as to who was dressed up as what so the PCs could figure out which Smurf was in the Spooky Smurf outfit. Booth groups did a pretty good job determining who was who and Spooky Smurf's true identity.

Baker Smurf - A Cupcake

Brainy Smurf - A Ghost

Grouchy Smurf - A Mummy

Handy Smurf - A Werewolf

Hefty Smurf - Frankenstein's Monster

Papa Smurf - Santa Claus

Smurfbegonia - A Clown

Smurfette - A Witch

Smurfstorm - Robin Hood

Smurfwillow - Mother Nature

Vanity Smurf - A Vampire

And this year's Spooky Smurf?

Jokey Smurf!

While both also used that knowledge to counter the effects of the mask that was possessing the wearer, Spelly Smurf from Group #1 came up with a really creative way of using magic to trap the evil spirit and the other ghosts [turning jack o' lanterns into Spirit Jars]. In addition, Sir Smurfsalot delivered the final blow by starting to sing the Smurfs' theme, 'La La-la la-La La', and getting everyone to participate. No evil can survive that song . Singing a happy song was the perfect defense against a fear based entity.

Group #2 initially thought it was a prank, a Halloween 'trick', and not a true spirit possession. Eventually they got what was happening and, when they figured out it was Jokey under the mask, used laughter to fight the fear generated by the sinister spook. As it turned out, Gargamel had summoned the frightful fiend in hopes that it would drive the Smurfs out of their homes and into the surrounding woodlands. 

As for the ghosts that were summoned, there was a Fiery Fiend, a Lantern Phantom, a Screaming Spectre, a Slimey Spook, and a Stinky Spirit. All had an Effort Max of 5 and were Difficulty Level 5D6. 

Each had a weakness of sorts that would reduce their DL. Water for the Fiery Fiend or blowing out the candle in the Lantern Phantom's lantern for example. 

In the end, as already noted, both groups had a lot of fun and so did I. I just felt, deep down, that I didn't execute the adventure as well as I could have with Group #1. A PC action early on through me off my smurf, I just couldn't get my smurf back the way it needed to be. 

With that, a Very Happy Halloween to all my readers!

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Barking Alien

It's Our Mortality That Defines Us

It is with great sadness, and honestly no small measure of disbelief, that I acknowledge the passing of Sir Patrick Stewart, an actor best known to those of us in the fandom community as Captain Jean-Luc Picard on Star Trek: The Next Generation and in related films and projects, as well as Professor Charles Xavier in the various X-Men franchise movies.

In addition, he was an accomplished voice actor, often collaborating with Seth MacFarlane and appearing in a reoccurring role on American Dad, as well as various guest appearances on Family Guy. Further, we was the narrator on the two Ted films. This is just a tiny sampling, the full scope of which would take volumes to properly convey. 

Of course, all of this is just a small portion of his acting repertoire. His work on stage and screen includes numerous Shakespearean plays, including playing Prospero in The Tempest in New York City in 1995. It was at Central Park's Delacorte Theatre and I was lucky enough to have seen it thanks to a friend of mine knowing a friend of his. 

The thing that makes this even harder, even more difficult to fully grasp, is that fact that only a few days earlier we lost Walter Koenig, another Star Trek alumni who played Pavel Chekov on the small and big screen, as well as a number of other memorable roles. Most notably, he played Psi Cop Alfred Bester on Babylon 5. 

That's a lot of loss to our collective geek consciousness in a very short period. It seems unfair almost but as we must all realize, it's not about us. These two men weren't only entertainers, they were humanitarians and people of excellent character. The world we live in is lessened by their departures. 

"But if the while I think on Thee, dear friend, / All losses are restored, and sorrows end."

-William Shakespeare, Sonnet 30

To Patrick Stewart and Walter Koenig, Rest in Peace and Live On in Memory.

Do not forget them and be inspired by them. 

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Barking Alien

Hosts of Freaky Ghosts - Revenants - Part II

 "OK so, to recap what has happened so far; Sebastian Pott gets this mysterious invitation to come to the Houston Zoo in Houston, Texas to check out a possible haunting. Pott finds out the place is known to haunting by its first Zoo Director, a former Circus Animal Trainer named Hans Nagel. The staff of the zoo know about this guy and that his spirit seems to be present in the Commissary Building, Recently, [relative to the events of Pott's notes and journal entries regarding the event we're discussing] another possibly supernatural entity seemed to be active around the newly upgraded Primate House. 

Investigated by Pott with the help of Zookeeper and amateur Photographer Jane Ballard, the duo were surprised by a ghost with a very physical form. How physical? Enough to hurl our man Pott a good forty feet! Thinking fast, Miss Ballard snapped a quick photo, flashing that bulb right in the spooky bastard's face. Excuse my language. Now here's what happened next..."

David Nelson, Ghostbusters Home Office, New York City, NY, October 2026

"I have at this point seen many strange things in my investigations of the paranormal;  unexplained lights, shadows without people to cast them, phantoms appearing and disappearing at will, and yet I found myself completely flumoxed by the sight before me as I had never been before.

This was no vaporous apparition, no glowing orb, or insubstantial shade.This was as solid as myself or Jane, well seven feet tall, massive and muscular, and clearly displayed the complexion and coloration of the deceased. He also bore a truly enviable handlebar mustache. It was both dashing and distinctive. 

He wore what appeared to be a full body leotard, one with a spotted leopard pattern, and a similar looking fur vest. The ensemble immediately reminded me of a Circus Performer, perhaps a Sideshow Strongman, albeit one from the 1930s or early 40s. Circa Hans Nagel's time in the world of sawdust and grease paint perhaps?

I hadn't noticed it first, hurt and petrified with fear as I was, that Jane had moved to cover behind a nearby bush. As the entity started to regain it's sense of sight (note that it appears to see through it's eyes like the living instead of through some psychic sense), it swiveled its head about as if searching for something. It seemed to find it, as it suddenly when stopping off towards who-knows-where. I'll tell you 'who', Jane Ballard. 

"I'll bet he's heading for the Commissary! That's where Nagel's ghost appears!", she shouted.

I forced myself onto my feet, wincing in pain but keeping my wits about me as best as I could. As briskly as I was able, I walked over to Jane and then both of us took off after our Strongman Ghost. Whispering as if our quarry could hear us I asked my companion, "Why do you think it'll be going to the Commissary? Is there some connection between our Strongman and the former Zoo Director I'm unaware of?"

"I just might be whistling dixie but ol' Hans Nagel worked in the circus as a Lion Tamer and animal trainer before becoming the first Zookeeper here. Is it so hard to imagine he might've known a Strongman?," Jane said, clearly excited, scared, and trying to speak quietly at the same time. Her hypothesis made sense, though it brought me no closer to knowing what to do once we reached the entity.

We reached our goal just in time, as I was very close to passing out from a pain in my chest that was making me run short of breath. What I thought was a bruised rib would turn out to be slightly more serious, though clearly not fatal. Thanks to Jane and her zookeeper keys, the two of us were able to enter the facility and look around, almost immediately noticing that something seemed amiss. It was dark, there was no one else there, and yet we could hear footsteps and objects, perhaps feed bags, sliding across the floor. Jane gave my hand a squeeze, which quite honestly caught me by surprise. She then moved to turn on the lights. 

Once the front entry of the Commissary was illuminated, the two of us were shocked to see the Strongman 'Ghost' with his large hands wrapped around another ghost's neck. As the two struggled with each other, Jane stared in disbelief as I scruntized the two 'men's expressions. 

The Strongman wasn't just gritting his teeth and grunting, though he was definitely doing that throughout the conflict. No, there was definitely more going on. He was 'speaking', moving his lips and mouth though no sound could be heard. For his part, the ghost of Hans Nagel was stone-faced and tight lipped. And that, I surmised, was the problem.

I tried taking a deep breath, though I found it more than a little difficult. With what air I could intake I shouted, "Tell'em he's right Nagel! Apologize! Say your sorry!". The Zookeeper's Ghost laughed, though it was just like the Strongman's words; obvious but unheard. I was quickly informed by Miss Ballard that my approach was not going to work. In life Nagel was a daredevil, a maverick, and a man who faced lions and alligators. He was not going to back down. In fact, that is essentially how or at least why he tied; he refused to lose an arguement. 

Understandable. I went with 'Plan B'. "He's trying to kill you! Let him!".

Nagel's spirit stared at me like I'd bitten the head off of a chicken. Then he slowly seemed to catch on to my thinking. He smiled at me thinly and winked. A moment later, the spectral zookeeper went through the motions of flailing, choking, and eventually went limp. As Jane and I held our breath, frozen in place and unable to away, the Strongman looked down at Nagel's 'fallen' figure and began to calm. As his 'breathing' eased, he began to fade away, and moments later he disappeared completely. A few seconds after that, Nagel vanished as well.

Jane and I stood up and slowly approached the spot where the ghosts had manifested a few mere minutes ago. At that moment, I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I nearly leaped out of my skin, looked behind me and saw the Zookeeper's Ghost resting his hand on me and smiling. He nodded to Jane, then did the same to me, and then he once more faded from sight. Shortly thereafter, Miss Ballard contacted a local hospital and drove me there so the doctors there could see to my injuries. They were indeed more serious than I'd estimated but nothing so terrible as to be crippling. I stayed overnight at the medical facility and then Jane drove me to a hotel, periodically checking on me. It seemed to me that she must have had some Nurse training of her own. 

I wrote a detailed report of what had happened to the Zoo Administrator, Garrett Moore. I gave him my contact information, including where I would likely be heading next, and let him know I would speak with him by telephone in two days to answer any questions he might have. I believe what we encountered was a rarely seen type of ghost referred to as Revenant. Unlike a traditional apparition, Revenants are solid. They are more like 'The Risen Dead' then some ethereal spirit. However, they aren't some kind of Vampire, Mummy, or Zombie but most assuredly ghosts. Something, some intense emotion and/or an element related to their death experience, makes them very corporeal indeed. 

I was quite impressed with my 'assistant' on this investigation, Miss Jane Ballard, without whom I might not have made it through the events that transpired fully intact. We have decided to remain in touch."

-Sebastian Pott, June 1950.

"My very first encounter with the supernatural was when I was serving with the US Marines, operating in the Middle East in the late 1980s. After my unit defeated a terrorist cell and started heading back to our command post, a lone insurgent attempted to hand out a little payback. Two other Marines and myself trapped our attacker in an abandoned buildling. Spotting him or at least his shadow, I called in my position and started to pursue. I quickly came across the fellow, who I was absolutely certain had been killed over five hours earlier during our initial confrontation with the terrorists. I was sure of it. I remembered his face. He was young, younger than me at least, and had very distinct eyes. They looked different now, hollow, but were clearly the same eyes. 

As he attempted to reload his weapon, it seemed it had jammed or something, I walked closer, my weapon pointed right at him until I got within 15-20 feet at most. I quietly but clearly said to him, "You're dead, man. It's over." He froze, looked at me - hell, through me if you know what I mean - and whispered a curse word in his native tongue. His face fell and his shoulders slumped and then he just disappeared. He just faded away until he was gone. 

Even after all this time with the Ghostbusters, that first time really haunts my dreams. For lack of a better word.

All this to say, be extra careful if you establish that the entity you're facing is a Revenant. They are ghosts but that are 100% solid. If they punch you, it hurts. If they have a firearm, they can shoot you. A Revenant knife with cut you and yes, you're gonna bleed. This isn't getting slimed, my friends.

Often, they are trying to accomplish something that they failed to do in life. If you can figure out what it is and help the Revenant complete their goal, it is very likely they'll 'move on'. Many, though not all, are susceptible to some material or energy which hurts them and through which they can not pass without suffering 'injury'. They are usually Class IVs and are best identified as Spectral Masses or Corporeal Undead, even though they kind of bend those definitions."

David Nelson, Ghostbusters Headquarters, New York.

Ghostbusters Inc., International.

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Barking Alien

Hosts of Freaky Ghosts - Revenants - Part I

The following entry, Pott's notes on the subject, and the related 'Curious Case', changes the Professor's outlook on the supernatural and the mood of his writings. Since this is a experience of significance, I thought it best to call in a specialist on this type of entity among the Ghostbusters.

It is my pleasure to introduce one of my oldest friends; David Nelson, former U.S. Marine and Ghostbuster since 1989. Nelson has worked at the Home Office in New York City and is considered the absolute backbone of 'Team 2'.

David, take it away...

"Thanks Adam. Hey there, yeah, so this entry revolves around Revenants. They're, well they're bad news. As Prof. Pott points out, the name itself comes from French words for 'Returning' or 'To Come Back', but I've come to connect it with 'Revenge'. That's not scientific or anything, it's just been my experience.

In fact, my very first encounter with the paranormal was with a Revenant. I'll talk more about that after Pott's part but man, I can totally see why he felt the way he did after he met one. 

"I have received an anonymous tip via letter that it would be of interest to me to contact the Houston Zoo of all places. I am unsure of what to expect. If its an Animal Ghost or Native Spirit in Animal Form that would be interesting. Most of the sightings and claims I have responded to regarding those sorts of hauntings have been inconclusive at best and often sadly lackluster. I hope this will be something more intriguing."

Sebastian Pott, June 1950

"After a telephone conversation with one Mr. Garrett Moore, a Zoo Administrator, I am stunned to discover that they do indeed have a reoccurring ghost of some kind and that it isn't animal related.

In 1941, the Zoo's first Zookeeper, an interesting and colorful fellow by the name of Hans Nagel, was shot six times by a Hermann Park Police Officer over a dispute between the two. In some versions of the story, Nagel was spying on teenagers in a parked car in the Zoo's parking lot and there was an argument between the Nagel and Officer Warren over who had jurisdiction in policing the area. Their quarrel turned deadly when Nagel reached for his sidearm and Officer Warren drew his in response and killed the Zookeeper. The officer was aquitted by a grand jury.*

The paranormal entity in question is believed to be the spirit of Hans Nagel. We shall see."

Sebastian Pott, June 1950

Planned map of the Houston Zoo's layout published in the Houston Chronicle,

January 7th, 1925

Curious Case #27: The Rage of the Revenant Wronged.

"Shortly after arriving on site at the Houston Zoo, I met and spoke with Garrett Moore again, this time at length over a surprising good cup of coffee. He confirmed much of the same information I'd found in my research, with a few minor differences to the story naturally. He also had knowledge about other tales with which I was unfamiliar. 

While most of the strange and unexplained occurances at the Zoo are attributed to the ghost of it's former and first director, other employee experiences have not matched the sort typically attributed to the late Zookeeper. Nagel's ghost always appears close to or within the Zoo's Commissary Building, which stands on the site of the man's demise. The reported interactions with the haunting include employees hearing disembodied voices, feeling phantom touches, seeing fleeting apparitions, and objects, some quite heavy, found to have been moved without anyone's knowledge or notice. 

The recent manifestation appears near the new Primate House, the 'Monkey Mansion' opened only recently. Claims describe a Human or Human-like figure with an odd gait who moves quite quickly despite that. Strange noises and loud 'gurgling' have been heard. Lastly, one employee who quit soon after his encounter, said a shadowy figure threw bags of fruit and vegetables at him one evening. Nagel's spirit tends to appear in the early morning hours. 

My first thought was, 'a primate escaped'. A chimpanzee or some such creature is loose and that's all this is to this. I say 'all' as if that isn't a terrifying situation in its own right. At this point in my exploration of the supernatural, I'm far more frightened by the probability of running afoul of an errant ape then I am some mischievous vapor. 

Postcard Image of the Houston Zoo Entrance from 1950

I brought up this potential possibility to Mr. Moore but he insisted that could not be the case. Aside from all the Zoo's primates being accounted for, footprints in crushed fruit and juice was found exactly where the ex-worker said his assailant had launched his attack from. "Footprints?", I asked. "May I see them?" I was informed that it was all cleaned up but photos were taken by another staff member, a young woman named Jane Ballard.

I met with Miss Ballard an hour or so later and she was just a lovely young lady, very helpful, a skilled photographer, and just very pleasant to speak with. She showed me her photos and indeed those were the shoe prints of a Human, one likely wearing sandles of some sort. I explained what I would be doing to confirm this entities existance (such as it is) and identify the nature of this being. I also showed her how I obtained voice and sound recordings and took photographs of my own using my 'Spirit Camera'. She was extremely attentive and asked to tag along. I cleared it with Moore and Jane became my assistant for the evening. 

Jane Ballard, Zookeeper and Amateur Photographer

Houston, Texas 1950

After the end of day, when the Zoo was closed for the evening, Jane completed her responsibilities and met me near the Monkey Mansion where I had placed my various equipment for detecting ghosts, if that was what it was. Ballard suggested she sit on the opposite side of the Primate House, directly across from where I would be situated, with her own camera at the ready. I agreed but made it clear that I'd prefer she stay visible. I all but insisted she not be completely in the shadows. She agreed but it was clear on her face that hiding in a dark spot had definitely been her plan. 

The night was warm as I recall. Much warmer than was expecting or accustomed to. The evening was far from quiet. A constant background sound, a quiet roar of buzzing, chirping, and gurgling water was like the crashing waves on a nearby shore in the otherwise still Texas Summer night. It is for this reason, perhaps, that I didn't notice the large, dark figure moving comparatively silently through the shadows behind the Primate House. He, it, suddenly ran forward with remarkable speed, lifted me clear off my feet and tossed me through the air towards Jane. Crouched and adjusting her camera at the time, Miss Ballard was able to easily duck and move out of the way. I went flying into the bushed behind her, accutely aware that I had most likely dislocated my elbow and possibly bruised a rib. 

Jane aimed her camera up, tightened the bulb she had prepared, and flashed the attacker with a brillant burst of light. The figure recoiled from the flash, covering its eyes, and let out a growling scream. What I saw as my own eyes adjusted and I tried to focus past the pain was nothing short of astonishing and for the first time in a long time, I was frozen in fear, unable to act."

This entry continues with Part II...

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Barking Alien

David Nelson is the Player Character of my dear friend David Concepcion, first created for our 1986-1989 Ghostbusters TRPG campaign, 'The Home Office'.

DISCWORLD - ALL SOULS THIEVE

Imagine if you will a flat planet; a world not unlike a very dirty dinner plate. Picture it resting on the backs of four gigantic elephants who are themselves standing atop an even more enormous sea turtle swimming through an ocean of stars.

This is Discworld. 

Tonight we begin our adventures in the largest and most irrepressibly foul-smelling city on all the Disc, Ankh-Morpork...

I ran this one-shot original adventure of Modiphius' official Discworld: Adventures in Ankh-Morpork RPG around this same time last year. I am a huge fan of Terry Pratchett and his irreverent and hilarious setting so I was really excited to give it a try.

I didn't grok the rules at first, mainly because there hardly are any. I was also disappointed they didn't use a variant of their house 2D20 system. After watching an Actual Play video on YouTube and now having run it myself, I've changed my initially negative opinion about the game to.actually liking it quite a lot. As an RPG, it's heavy on the Roleplay and very light on the Game. My players and I found it tons of fun but it definitely doesn't work or feel like your typical, classic tabletop roleplaying game. Your mileage may vary. 

Here's a recap:

Barking Alien's

Halloween One-Shots I Have Known

DISCWORLD: Adventures in Ankh-Morpork

ALL SOULS THIEVE

or 'How to Ghost a Murder'

Ankh-Morpork, 'The Big Wahoonie',

The Dung and Soot Covered Jewel of Discworld 

“It is a dark and stormy night in the city of Ankh-Morpork. A chill wind blows Widdershins and Rimward. We are on the Eve of Soul Cake Tuesday*, in the Eighth Year of the Century of the Anchovy.

On this night there has been…a Murder! {A Flash of Lightning and Boom of Thunder} Almost. Not quite. Nearly but not for lack trying.

As they were walking across Water Bridge, a couple - one Mister Ovazellus Git and his ladyfriend Rotunda Punt - spotted something peculiar in the water below. It turned out to be none other than Professor Perenneil Dol, a long-sitting Research Magician of the Unseen University.

Ovazellus Git and Rotunda Punt

Professor Dol had clearly received a blow to the head. In addition, he was covered in some sort of thick, wax-like resin. Finally, the man was dumped into the River Ankh. Any one of these situations would kill a man were he not already dead. Perenneil Dol has that particular status. He is among the ‘living challenged’, having become Undead approximately 8 years ago. (We don’t like to use the ‘Z’ word. Remember, Undead Yes, Unperson No.). 

Nonetheless, an attempt at murder is still a crime even if the killing doesn’t 'take'. Thankfully, three members of the Night Watch are on the scene to investigate. I shall have more information for you as the story develops. 

I have been your Local Crier, Gabby Livestream. If you enjoyed what I do, please contact the Guild of Town Criers, give me a like and subscribe to our service so I may continue to bring you the latest news and other content.

I am now off to the next street so I can say this all over again.”

Gabby Livestream, Town Crier of the Wizard's Quarter

When word of the incident reached Pseudopolis Yard, Commander Vines sent three officers of The Watch (the Player Characters) specifically chosen for this case because of their unique talents and preference for working the night shift:

Constables Milo Bathory, Beaux Batch IV, and Herman Shephard

Constable Beaux Batch IV (Bo Batch 4 - said Four, not 'the Fourth')

Beaux Batch IV is what many call a 'Well-Made Man' (think of Frankenstein's Monster). He was built to be the perfectly constructed consort of a female mad scientist of considerable wealth, intellect, and lack of real Human empathy. Such a stickler was she for perfection in every aspect of her life that whenever one of her beaux made a 'terrible mistake', she would discard them and make a new one. Batch IV made the grave error of leaving the outhouse seat lid up. Not only did she toss him on the pile of refruse body parts in a snap, but he was aware Batch V was already in the works. To add insult to injury the new one had blonde hair. How humiliating.

Normally when disposed of these Well-Made Men receive an electrical overload that 'shorts them out'. For some reason, Batch IV was still conscious and as such the Mistress' Igors felt bad for him. They faked ridding the estate of his body while Batch IV escaped. Not long after he joined up with the CIty Watch, hoping to make more out of his 'life' than one narcissitic sociopath intended. 

Beaux is played as the Rookie in the group, with his origin having occurred not that long ago. He is polite, unusually complimentary (by design), tall, and quite muscular. He has a single, large screw on the side of his head that replaces the small, well concealed bolts his maker installed. To be rude, none complimentary, or the like he twists the screw; the pain countering his 'programming'. One turn to not smile as he greets someone. Three or four turns to use a swear word.

Finally, once especially odd personality quirk of the character was his distrust of women, generally assuming they are all like his creator. If the players and I didn't know each other so well it might have gotten awkward or uncomfortable but the Beaux's player did it in moderation and in the end explained his attitude was based on his limited experience. The others convinced him to be open-minded and see that in Ankh-Morpork any and all people regardless of gender, species, creed, or religion can be complete and thorough rotters.

On a side note, much of the humor with Batch revolved around his 'Frankenstein' form and how the best parts of a number of people went into his design. In addition to his Niche Trait of 'The Strength of 9.5 Men!', Beaux has a Quirk Trait called 'Not Myself Today'. To use it, I as the GM would ask, "Well...who are you then?" The player would than reference this list of the organs and such used to make him. 

Tongue of a poet

Left hand of a murderer/pianist (strangler)

Right hand of a cobbler

Feet of a dancer

Arms of a woodsman

Ears of a psychologist

Eyes of an artist and a dreamer

Chest of a boatman

Abs of a hero

Nose of a chef

Teeth of a dentist

Brilliant. Just brilliant. 

Constable Herman Shephard

Properly pronounced 'Helman Shaeferd', his family having dropped the connecting 'Von' upon moving to Ankh-Morpork in his youth, this ten year veteran of the Watch is descended from Uberwald nobility. A cultured man of considerable athletic fortitude and mental discipline, Shephard comes from a long line of periodically violent furries. Sorry, I mean Werewolves.

Constable Shephard is proud of his heritage, his gifts and curse, his role as a member of the Watch, and of course his immaculate haircut. If he has any weakness it's that his blueblood upbringing makes him more than a bit classest. While Herman judges individuals by their actions, he sees 'the poor' as riff raff of lesser breeding and caliber. Can his partners change his mind?

No, not really.

Constable Milo Bathory

As a Rookie way back in the early days of the Watch, a young Constable Bathory was able to capture a Vampire Crime Lord and cement himself as kind of a legend. Unfortunately, a Vampire himself, Milo didn't turn out to be the wunderkind everyone had hoped for, himself included. After so many years on the force Milo has become a jaded, apathetic slacker. 

Milo's outlook has changed recently as he's been paired up with Constable Shephard, who Bathory delights in teasing and if at at possible upstaging. It's possible Milo is playing into the old rivalry between Vampires and Werewolves but more likely it's because Milo wants to see the aristocrat taken down a peg. 

When Beaux Batch IV is assigned to assist Bathory and Shephard on this case, Beaux knows Milo only by his famous capture and hopes to learn everything he can from this master of deduction and cunning. A slacker to his core, Milo is happy to play along while letting Batch do all the hard policework. 

So how'd it go?

Summary: The Night Watch members started things off like the protagonists of any good cop show: looking for clues, interviewing witnesses, and bantering. They questioned the couple who found the 'body' with a Good Cop (Shephard), Polite Cop (Batch), Indifferent Cop (Bathory) approach. Constable Batch immediately distrusts Miss Punt as she is a woman and his experience with women hasn't been particularly positive. His partners notice this and make a mental note to address it with Batch later.

Herman Shephard turns to the resin encased Professor Perenneil Dol. Since the Professor was unliving, he was conscious inside the thick, semi-translucent wax material. Shephard was able to claw through it, eventually breaking off sizable chunks. Dol was rather annoyed as you can imagine. He grumbled his resentment, not even thanking the Constable and demanding to be returned to the Unseen University. Shephard responds by putting on noble airs and being extremely deferential to the Professor. Shephard offers to escort Perenneil back to the university with his 'Assistants' (Bathory and Batch) in tow. This won the Copper some points with the monotone and grouchy Dol, affording the group the opportunity to investigate the Professor's room and laboratory at the Wizard's College.

The PCs, along with Professor Dol, travel to the Unseen University and make the acquaintence of one Ponder Stibbons, Reader of Invisible Writings and Head of the Department of Inadvisably Applied Magic - which just so happens to be the department Perenneil Dol is attached to. Stiddons is surprised to see the Professor outside the Unseen University tower (A reoccurring joke throughout the session. Every Wizard who learns of the situation is suprised Dol left the building). Discussions paint a picture that adds a lot more details to the situation. 

Ponder Stibbons, who possesses the rare Wizard trait

of actually knowing what the hell he's doing.

For many years Perenneil Dol and his friend/rival Wizard, one Gregorie Stemwinder, worked together on a project called 'The Juxtapositioner' (sometimes the Juxtaposer). This magical contraption was designed to take two things or people of a similar type and switch and/or enhance the aspects that make them different. Eight years ago during a test of the device there was a terrible accident; Stemwinder was killed and Dol became undead. Since then, Dol rarely leaves his laboratory except to go to his room and rarely leaves his room except to go to the lab. 

Professor Perenneil Dol and Professor Gregorie Stemwinder

Two Wizard who couldn't be more different.

At this point we begin one of the best 'bits' in the adventure; The slacker vampire, Constable Milo, periodically looks at books on bookcases or asks innocuous questions but otherwise passes the time doing very little as his partners speak with the Wizards or look for physical evidence. Constable Beux sees this and comes to believe that 'the legendary' Constable Milo has such keen deductive reason and extensive experience that he's likely already cracked the case or is very close. A typical interaction would go like this:

Constable Milo: *Opens a closet. Looks around and let's out a, 'Hmm.*

Constable Beux: Have you found something, Constable Milo? *Looks into the closet himself*

Milo: *Nodding vaguely* "Perhaps. Tell me Rookie, what do you see?"

Beux: "It seems poorly organized in here. There's also a stain on the ground. A stain that *sniff, sniff* smells like the lacquer-like wax that coated Master Dol. *Looks up to a high shelf the shorter Milo could not have seen* There's a barrel here! It has the same scent. Do you think Dol did it to himself?"

Milo: *Rolls his eyes, shakes his head, and chuckles.* Do you?

Beux: *Takes a moment to think* "No of course not! He had this wax, this resin but someone hiding in the closet poured it on him after knocking him out. That means there might be prints or other clues on the barrel or...or in the wax! Detective Milo, you're a genius. I wish I had your instincts!*

Milo: *Yawns and nods* "Someday kid. Someday."

The crime itself was quite convoluted but also kind of brilliant. Dol had been attacked by a Ghost, and not just any ghost but the spectre of his old labmate, Gregorie Stemwinder!

The 'Colorful Ghost' of Gregorie Stemwinder

Their poorly thought out magical contraption, the Juxtaposer, took the Wizard afraid of aging and death and rendered him immortal by making him Undead. It took the Wizard full of life and cheer and killed him, then brought him back as an unhappy ghost. It took many years for Stemwinder's spirit to be strong enough to move the barrel of Wand Wax (Ah! That's what it was!) hoping to eventually drop it on Perenneil Dol. Stemwinder knew that would not 'kill' the already unliving Wizard but it would knock him out for the second part of his plan..

As it turned out, Rotunda Punt worked in the kitchens of the Unseen University and would often deliver meals to Perenneil Dol. She also had three brothers; Swirly, Joe, and Rally, who were very dedicated to their sister and not particularly bright. The Ghost of Gregorie Stemwinder made a deal with Rotunda, who in turn enlisted the Brothers Punt** to coat an unconscious Dol in the lacquer wax and dump the body in the River Ankh. Unfortunately, Rotunda and her suitor, Ovazellus Git, but forgot that on Soul Cake Tuesday the streets would be busy even late in the evening. They were spotted by passerbys, so Rotunda and Ovazellus pretended to 'find' Dol in the river, thereby diverting suspicion away from themselves as being the guilty party. 

Swirly, Joe, and Rally

The Brothers Punt

Our brilliant...well, certainly dilligent...well, alright, lucky...investigators truly starting putting the pieces in place after speaking with Decker Orwell Podge***, the proprietor of 'Shellac and Shinnola', a store in the Wizarding Quarter or Unreal Estate region of the city. Specializing in resins, waxes, and oils including Ankh-Morpork's most popular Wand Wax, 'Deck' (as Mr. Podge preferred to be addressed) was well aware that both Dol and Stemwinder both used the same brand and the Rotunda Punt has, on more than one occasion, picked up their order. This meant she knew what it was, where to get it, and where is was kept in the Wizards' private quarters. 

Master Decker Orwell Podge

We found out near the end that the entire scheme was the work of Stemwinder's Ghost and Rotunda Punt. This, sadly, made Beux Batch IV's original hunch partially correct. Punt was promised wealth by the Ghost, as in life he had a secret account in the Bank of Ankh-Morpork. Furthermore, she came up with the idea of stealing the The Juxtapositioner, which brothers attempted to do. They were thwarted in a very cool battle in the stairwell of one of Unseen University's towers. Our heroic Night Watchmen fought not only the three dim but burly Brother's Punt, but also themselves to some extent. A Full Moon made things beastly for Constable Shephard, things almost got bloody for Constable Milo, and Constable Batch had a moment of not feeling like himself. 

The grand finale featured Death - oh yeah, the big guy himself - showing up after a reactivation of the Juxtaposer rendered both the unliving Dol and the ghostly Stemwinder just normal, average, everyday dead.

As it turned out, this was exactly what each of them truly wanted.

The case solved, the Punts arrested, our stalwart policemen enjoyed a good rest and traditional festivities of Soul Cake Tuesday.

Faire thee well,

AD

Barking Alien

*Soul Cake Tuesday is Discworld's answer to both Halloween and Easter, manifesting as a combination of the two. 

**The Brothers Punt are obviously a homage to the Three Stooges. 

***There are numerous puns and plays on words related to the names of many of the characters but I am particularly fond of Decker Orwell Podge or Deck O. Podge, a reference to Decoupage, an artistic hobby of decorating objects with fabric and/or cut-out pictures from magazines, newspapers, or other sources. The hobby was particularly popular during the 1970s. Deco-Podge and Mod Podge were two brand-name glues that functioned as sealers and finishes for this type of art. My Mom used to make and sell Decoupage at flea markets when I was really young.