Tuesday, July 15, 2014

False Alarm

"Mayday, mayday! All hands to battle stations! This is a distress call. I am distressed!"

"Umm...Barkley. What are you doing?"

"Oh Adam! Thank goodness you're OK. It's terrible. Just horrible. Red Alert! Red Alert!"

"Barkley, calm down. Just calm down. What the heck are you going on about?"

"The blog, Barking Alien, it's been boarded! We're being invaded. Red Alert isn't working. Brown. Brown Alert! Brown...Puce! Puce Alert!"

"Puce Alert?"

"One of these colors has to do something!"

"Barkley, your hysterical. Calm down, focus, and tell me what's going on."

"OK, alright...(deep breaths)...there are OSR people on the blog. They're talking about D&D related gaming. I'm serious! They've commented on the previous post. Do you know what that means?! They're right behind us."

"Oh for crying out loud..."

"It's too late. There's only one chance now. We need to get to the escape pods. Yes! We can get away in the escape pods, and then remotely detonate the blog once we're at a safe distance."

"Detonate The Blog?!"

"It's the only way to be sure. Now, I think the escape pods are right this way, past the..."

"Barkley, my mangy, emerald friend. Just chill. I got this. We're not going anywhere."

"What?! Why not?"

"They're just sniffing around, looking to do what D&D gamers do."

"Overcomplicate Initiative?"

"No. They..."

"Make rules that don't fit the fluff of the genre or setting?"

"What? No...well maybe...but that's not..."

"Then what?! I'm setting my Ultimate Nullifier to Stun just in case."

"First, you can't set an Ultimate Nullifier to Stun. That's kind of why it's called an 'Ultimate Nullifier'. Second, how and why do you HAVE an Ultimate Nullifier? Third, and this is the big one, the D&D people are looking to talk to others who like D&D."

"So why are they here? You hate D&D."

"Exactly. Once we do a post about Superheroes, or Star Trek, or suggest some crazy approach to running some hippie-trippy game concept, they'll be outta here so fast they'll go to plaid."

"OK. Promise?"

"Promise. I know they scare you. Feel better?"

"Yeah. Better. Cancel Puce Alert."

Barking Alien


  1. Maybe you can assimilate the invaders, their mechanical and thematical distinctiveness added to your own (in small doses). Awake them to a new level of consciousness. After all, you don't hate D&D. It's just that there are a hundred equal or more interesting games, yet you have to endure playing and reading about D&D all the time.

    1. Bleh. I don't want to assimilate them. Who needs all the junk mixed in to mess up my good stuff.

      Ever hear the ol' Star Trek: Voyager joke about why Neelix's people weren't assimilated by the Borg?

      A Borg Cube comes into orbit around Talax, takes one look as the place, and its people, and proceeds to leave orbit. Feelings hurt, the Talaxians contact the Borg and ask, "Hey, aren't you going to add our technological, and cultural distinctiveness to your own?"

      The Borg look them over again. "No thanks. There is nothing you have that we'd want", and they warp away.